WEEKLY RECAP #45: The Willy Wonka Experience, "Coyote vs. Acme" Rumors & MORE!

2/25/24 -- 3/2/24

Come With Me… and You’ll Be… In A World of Cockroach Infestations

Is this even movie news? Maybe not, but it’s technically about something that’s based on a movie, so screw it — I’m covering it. For those unaware, a recent incident in Glasgow, Scotland essentially embodied the theme park equivalent of “catfishing”: an attraction advertised as a “Willy Wonka Experience” instead turned out be a shoddily thrown together OSHA-violating nightmare. The art used in the ads (which appears to have been created with AI — shocker) promised a rainbow-filled “paradise of sweet treats”, but that was not the environment that awaited the pudgy little Scottish tykes whose parents bought tickets. Instead, they were treated to a barren industrial warehouse filled with sparse, cheap props and cloth backdrops that did little to immerse anyone in the wonderful world created in the mind of Roald Dahl, one of the general public’s least-hated Anti-Semites. From the thrown-together cardboard sets to an exhausted woman dressed in a Dollar Store Oompa Loompa costume serving children stale jelly beans and cups of lemonade at a repurposed cocktail bar, this exhibit had everything it needed to scam participants and entertain the shit out of online spectators.

What pushes the Willy Wonka Experience beyond the typical goof of the day is how truly special every aspect of the story seems to get when placed under examination. There’s so many tiny details to this Fyre Fest-level disaster that are so inexplicable they become downright fascinating. Case in point: The Unknown, a character consisting of a black cloak and silver MF DOOM-esque mask who “lives in the walls” and makes creepy twitching movements that scared the living shit out of all the toddlers watching. Hardcore fans of Willy Wonka (often referred to by me as Willy Wonkers) might notice that there is no mention of The Unknown in any book or film based around Willy Wonka, meaning that these guys just made him up for no reason. I guess they thought adding an OC into the attraction would be a nice creative touch to offset the gaping holes left by the $15 budget. Alas, it seems that strategy failed, as the event was so poorly managed and candy-less that people literally called the cops on the organizers.

Some people would say that an incident like this is a litigious nightmare, and that the hosts should feel disgraceful for scaring children when they expected wonder and sweets. However, as someone who cares very much about keeping faithful to source material, I love everything about this exhibit. Anyone who’s seen Willy Wonka knows that the ultimate spirit of the story is watching unruly children get tortured in creative ways, as that is any truly great British author’s idea of whimsy, after all. I choose to see this misleading and borderline traumatizing exhibit as the most honest interpretation of Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory that we’ve ever gotten. (Show me Timothée Chalamet having an enemies-to-lovers arc with The Unknown in Wonka 2, and then we might have a challenger.) Plus, it’s blatantly clear from the gibberish 15-page script and the uncanny promotional art that the whole thing was an unholy AI-generated abomination, which is yet another example of why relying on algorithms to create crowd-pleasing storytelling is the worst idea you could possibly think of. See, I told you this story would be worth covering — yet another instance of me being proven right!

Forte’s Final Forecast

I have solemn news, folks. While I’ve done my best to retain hope throughout the many Substack posts I’ve used to cover this story, it seems that Coyote vs. Acme is pretty much doomed to be shelved. As the impending decision draws near, there seems to be almost no faith left in the possibility of some heroic studio swooping in to buy the film, which was planned to be deleted from existence due to a tax write-off for Warner Bros. Discovery. Actor Will Forte, who stars in the film, seemed to confirm everyone’s worst fears this week by publishing a personal statement, in which he said the following:

“I know that a lot of you haven't gotten a chance to see our movie. And sadly, it's looking like you never will. When I first heard that our movie was getting ‘deleted,’ I hadn't seen it yet. So I was thinking what everyone else must have been thinking: this thing must be a hunk of junk. But then I saw it. And it's incredible.”

While most people cynically anticipated this decision, hearing someone directly involved attest to how entertaining the finished product is and how much it pains him to see it erased really cuts deep. So what now? Provided the movie is indeed cancelled, there is a minute possibility that someone within Warner Bros. can leak the movie if they get access to it. (Remember: in a scenario like this, where art is sacrificed for the sake of profit, piracy is the only option.) There isn’t much of a bright side, though, since this would pretty much be the worst case scenario. I guess we can at least be thankful that such a disgrace was made so public and opened people’s eyes to the terrifying new age of content distribution we live in, where streaming technology can be abused to make well-liked media impossible to access in the blink of an eye. Regardless of whether the rumors are true, motherfuck all the people responsible for this movie’s ordeal, and long live Coyote vs Acme!

Box Office Be Damned, My Boy Can Direct!

Let’s discuss a recent movie many of you reading this likely haven’t seen, Babylon. More specifically, the man behind the film, writer-director-jazz fetishist Damien Chazelle. The man is responsible for a string of strongly-reviewed hits — Whiplash, La La Land and First Man — but 2022’s 1920s Hollywood-set Babylon was his first bomb. Despite being (in my humble and objectively correct opinion) a mostly-entertaining and super ambitious film with more positives than negatives, it had a mixed critical reception and lost Paramount over $80 million dollars after a dismal box office performance. Why am I digging up this financial bust? Well, after more than a year after Babylon’s release, Damien Chazelle has revealed in a podcast earlier this week that he’s currently maintaining a “head in the sand” mindset while writing his next movie, and is fully aware that he won’t be given the resources for another Babylon-level movie:

“I’m in a sort of trepidatious state of mind, but I have no illusions. I won’t get a budget of ‘Babylon’ size any time soon, or at least not on this next one.”

It seems out boy is in the dreaded limbo of Director’s Jail, a place where filmmakers are placed for indefinite periods of time after getting on a studio’s bad side. It’s sad to see, since Damien hasn’t really made a definitely bad movie yet, and in his best moments he’s made some of the greatest movies of the 2010s. If anything, it’s a sobering reminder of how easily creative opportunities can be ripped away from even super successful artists, should they make too big of a mistake. News flash: the film industry can suck sometimes.

What’s crazy is that a lot of people seem to agree that Babylon’s financial failure wasn’t even the fault of Chazelle — after all, he made a bonkers, audacious movie featuring several A-list stars and containing multiple sequences ripe for trailer use. Unfortunately, the marketing for the film was a mess (see this disastrous example), and a movie that should have swept in money like nobody’s business instead ate shit on opening weekend. Directors tend to take full responsibility of a movie’s success and failures, regardless of how much control they have. It’s a sad fact that reflects the very narrow view that higher-ups in entertainment studios have — if all you see is a bad number next to the name Babylon, it’s hard to take away any conclusion other than “Damien Chazelle fucked up.” But he didn’t, and I’d like to see more bold stuff from him soon! The fact that he’s forced to be so cautious with his next movie while David O. Russell is able to keep pumped out star-studded movies after the critical and financial flop that was Amsterdam is a true injustice. (Also, for what it’s worth, Damien Chazelle also didn’t sexually grope his own niece, so that’s another thing he has over Russell.)