WEEKLY RECAP #39: Minecraft Movie Updates

1/14/24 -- 1/20/24

Hold On… Let Them Craft…

As superhero movies saw a sudden decline in profits in 2023, a new category of IP-based blockbusters stole the box office spotlight: video game adaptations. Yes, while The Flash and The Marvels struggled to pass $100 million, movies like The Super Mario Bros. Movie and Five Nights at Freddy’s flew over that barrier with ease (the former of the two making it into the prestigious Post-COVID Billion-Dollar Club). Many folks are predicting that video game movies are the new wave, and one of the next big behemoths on the horizon is… you guessed it… the long-awaited Minecraft movie. It’s fair to say that a big-screen adaptation of the survival game that spawned hundreds of prepubescent parody songs, merchandising tie-ins and YouTube heartthrobs with endless grooming allegations was inevitable, and we’ll be getting Minecraft on the big screen in 2024

That doesn’t mean that I’m any more excited for it, though! If there’s one universal truth about this type of movie, it’s that trends on the internet move at light speed, and getting a movie off the ground in Hollywood moves at a snail’s pace. Trying to capitalize on online trends and figures ends in failure way more often than not, and releasing a fucking Minecraft movie FOURTEEN YEARS AFTER ITS RELEASE is a bit of a late bandwagon jump. As someone who thought The Super Mario Bros. Movie was a lukewarm bowl of mid and that Five Nights at Freddy’s was one of the worst movies of last year, I’m not exactly pumped for the Minecraft movie, since it seems there’s not much to get out of these films if you don’t go in already more nostalgic for their titular games than the part of your childhood before you had to start learning long division. But, in fairness, recent news has given me reason for intrigue, if not genuine interest.

For one, the cast of the movie has just been given some key new players, and the current list of stars attached to the movie now includes: Jason Momoa, Jack Black, Kate McKinnon, Daniella Brooks, Jermaine Clement, and Jennifer Coolidge. (Yes, that Jennifer Coolidge. The White Lotus “these gays are trying to murder me” Jennifer Coolidge.) What a random grab bag of names, right?! But wait, it gets even wilder: Jared Hess, the director, just revealed that the production will take place on “ginormous soundstages” in New Zealand, and the production designer for the movie is Grant Major, who worked with Peter Jackson on none other than The Lord of the Rings movies — a.k.a. some of the most iconic production designs of all time. (It’s also worth mentioning that Jared Hess has noted his awareness of the “ugly Sonic” pitfall of major IP movies and intends to avoid it, which is a decent sign.)

“Wait, Aidan,” I hear you whispering as you clench the seat of your chair and grind your teeth together with worrying intensity, “is this movie actually going to be… good?” How the fuck should I know? It hasn’t come out yet! But I understand why you’re asking me that, Dear Reader — these are some pretty big names with major cred behind them that are all working on this thing. Movies can always be disappointing — remember to always start with your hopes in the gutter so they can only be raised! — but what these names do confirm is that the movie does have potential to be good… or, at the very least, interesting. Seeing the bizarre cast list and talented crew behind the Minecraft movie does bring me back to the blissful year of 2018, when the first bits of news about Joker began to release, causing every fan of film around the world to ask in unison: “What the hell is this movie going to be?” (In that case, the answer was “decent but derivative”.) Regardless of what Joker would turn out out to be, though, hearing that the director of the Hangover trilogy would be directing Joaquin Phoenix in a Batman spinoff movie got me more interested than any shitty trailer could’ve. And, in the case of this Minecraft news, I will say that the Brothers Warner have my attention.

Don’t fret, everyone — I still have my cynical tendencies. This wouldn’t be the first time that a studio has dumped all their resources into a video game movie with the hopes of pleasing people. We’ve already seen Illumination do this with The Super Mario Bros. Movie: turns out a studio can be so scared of sycophantic Nintendo fans that they are actually motivated to put effort into their animation… but still not motivated quite enough to put effort into the script. If the biggest bootlicking nostalgia-brainwashed gamer freaks in the world can’t even push a lazy-ass company into giving their movie an interesting story, then what hope do Warner Bros. and Mojang have? While I am intrigued by the new announcements about the Minecraft movie, the buzz still isn’t enough to confirm a ticket on my end. After all, the movie is supposed to be live action, and a “live action” interpretation of a universe comprised of pixelated blocks implies a human-CG hybrid akin to something like The Jungle Book (2016), which has been done before. I wanna see something new and crazy — good crazy, not “we gave Sonic two layers of human teeth” crazy. Let’s hope that braindead studio oversight doesn’t kill this movie, and that gamers and audiences alike get the film they deserve. (If not, we might see some kids commit serious crimes *in Minecraft*.)