WEEKLY RECAP #15: Planned Mattel Spin-Offs & Strike Negotiations

7/23/23 -- 7/29/23

Hey there, everybody! Welcome back — or just welcome, if it’s your first time reading one of these. I figured I’d make a quick introduction, as we have a running theme for this week’s movie news: studio executives being delusional! There’s a moment from my university’s entertainment business club I will never forget: a senior told us there was a good chance the majority of us freshman in the room could most likely make better decisions than most CEOs in Hollywood. Keeping that in mind, let’s check out the two major stories of the week, starting with…

“Are you saying there’s a chance that when we release Barbie, we destroy the world?”

It’s no secret by now that Barbie — which has already surpassed $500 million at the worldwide box office after just over a week in theaters — is shaping up to be the biggest movie of the year. Many people, myself included, were pleased seeing a movie with a unique creative vision succeed, but also a bit nervous about its aftermath. What if studio executives took the wrong lessons from its success? What if, just like The Lego Movie in 2014, Barbie spawns a bunch of derivative big-studio outings based on similar IPs that try to capture the magic of the original without including anything that made said original special? What if — much like J. Robert Oppenheimer — Greta Gerwig has inadvertently birthed the catalyst for an appalling spread of destructive manmade creations? Well, don’t you worry… that’s literally exactly what happened! Why would you expect any different? That’s how this business works!

Sure enough, the galaxy-brained geniuses who run Mattel took a break from huffing gas fumes this week to reflect on Barbie’s success and start plotting out a myriad of other toy-centric movies. Yay! Another cinematic universe! Nobody is getting sick of those! Anyway, let’s check out the lineup of potential live-action spinoffs we could be seeing come to fruition, ordered by me from “Most Likely to Happen” to “Dead in the Fucking Water”:

• Barney: This one’s been in development for some time now. It’s being produced and helmed by… Daniel Kaluuya? Who seems really passionate about Barney?? And a Mattel exec is describing it as a “A24-type, surrealist” movie??? Okay????

• Polly Pocket: This one is also happening, it seems, as MGM has confirmed that a script exists. It will star Lily Collins and be written & directed by Lena Dunham, meaning those who are fans of both Emily in Paris and Girls (a demographic that does not even remotely exist) have lots to look forward to!

• UNO: This may seem high on the list for a product so void of story potential, but I honestly believe this is the only game here that could be even remotely fun in feature length. Give me a high-stakes gambling thriller in the style of 21 or Molly’s Game. Aaron Sorkin can pen the script and write a stupid monologue about the politics of dealing a +4 card against your homie. It will make $7,000 opening weekend and all of that money will be mine.

• Hot Wheels: So, it turns out JJ Abrams — Mr. Mystery Box himself — wants to make a “grounded and gritty” Hot Wheels movie, with “real characters that you can relate to, that are three-dimensional, that have emotional journeys.” What does he mean by “gritty”? Are we gonna see a human body get fucking pancaked in a collision? Will this be the first movie to accurately depict anatomically-accurate car genitals? Damn… maybe I will have to buy a ticket…

• Magic 8 Ball: I didn’t even have to check the description for this one to know it’ll be turned into a generic horror-thriller. You shake the ball, you ask it “Am I going to die,” it says “My sources say yes,” ominious piano note… it writes itself. If they’re cynical enough to make this one, I am praying that they include a dramatic/creepy rendition of “Shake It” by Metro Station in the trailer.

• Rock ‘Em Sock ‘Em Robots: Seems fitting that they decided to adapt the essential “dumb strong guy” toy and cast fucking Vin Deisel in it. Skip!

• American Girl: I feel like this is doomed to flop, not because there isn’t a story you could create around these characters, but because American Girl dolls always seemed so lame in comparison to Barbies. You don’t hear Nicki Minaj writing bars about Gwyneveire Jones, the mid-19th century carpenter doll. I did just make Gwyneveire up off the top of my head, but you probably believed she was a real doll for a second, didn’t you? That’s how boring these things are! Skip!

• Thomas & Friends: Don’t you fucking touch Thomas the Tank Engine, you bastards. I grew up on those toys. My dad literally painted Thomas on my bedroom wall. Do NOT fuck with me. You are never beating those old TV episodes with the tiny train models. You’re not even beating the live-action movie with Alec Baldwin. Don’t. Come. Near. It.

• View Master: Hysterical that they even considered this one. It feels made for a disposable creepypasta movie. “What if you clicked the View Master handle and the next picture was of a spooky skeleton?” Actually, never mind — that idea is so scary that I just shit my pants typing that out. Greenlight it ASAP.

• Masters of the Universe: Wasn’t this supposed to happen with Noah Centineo? What even happened with that movie? Who even fucking cares anymore? No one, that’s who! (I will rescind this statement IF AND ONLY IF it is animated and I am allowed to voice Skeletor.)

• Matchbox: FUCK YOU, SKYDANCE. You can’t copy JJ’s idea! There’s already a toy car movie in development — and it’s gonna have hard drugs and anthropomorphic car sex in it! Checkmate, losers!

• Wishbone: I figured this was a plastic version of the turkey wishbone that you and your sibling snap on Thanksgiving Day to see who gets the bigger half — but apparently, it’s the name of a dog? Irrelevant. Skip!

• Major Matt Mason: If you know who or what this even is, I’m going to assume you’re a Fed.

• Christmas Balloon: What the fuck is the Christmas Balloon? No. Absolutely not.

Now, the reality of this list may seem comically bleak, but it’s important to remember: studios are always announcing hypothetical new franchises that immediately collapse after their first entry’s failure to launch. (Some of you may remember the “Dark Universe,” the cinematic universe of classic Universal monsters that was cancelled instantly upon 2017’s The Mummy bombing in theaters.) While executives consistently have the dumbest takeaways from good art performing well, it’s also true that they will change their minds the moment they smell failure — meaning that the inevitably poor box-office tracking of the Polly Pocket movie is sure to prevent any more ridiculous Mattel movies. While it’s easy to be a doomer about this stuff, sometimes bad decisions do come back to bite studios in the ass.

The Bargain Bin

Hey, speaking of bad decisions coming back to bite studios in the ass, let’s check in on the writer’s strike! How’s it going over there in sunny Los Angeles? What’s that? There are zero plans to resume bargaining talks? You don’t say!

Yes, it’s true: Variety reported this week that the major studios have refused to reconvene with the WGA or SAG-AFTRA for negotiation on their core demands for the ongoing strikes. As Mike Schur, a member of the WGA negotiating committee, put it, “the plan is for them to call us on the phone and ask us to sit down. We’re not calling them.” Essentially, Hollywood is locked in a stalemate right now, where each day of no communication results in tens of thousands of dollars lost for each studio — and with each passing week, that amount only grows. Since the damage of the strikes will grow higher the longer no agreement is reached, you’d think that the executives would be starting to make a plan about how to approach new talks, right?

Right?

WRONG AGAIN. When will you learn that nothing works the way it’s supposed to in this business? Keep up these bad guesses, and you’ll never work in this town again! Duncan Crabtree-Ireland, the chief negotiator for the actors’ guild, said that “the last engagement [they] had . . . was the 12th of July when they said to us they don’t think they’d be ready to talk for quite some time.” It gets better, though — one studio executive hinted at their refusal to talk with the guild until at least LABOR DAY with a quote from Friends: “We’re on a break.” HAHAHAHAHA. That’s HILARIOUS. That’s almost as funny as the time Senator Kyrsten Sinema did a quirky “thumbs down” pose when voting to reject a $15 minimum wage! I love it when a bunch of out-of-touch nimrods who haven’t had a self-reflective thought in twenty years deny people healthcare through memes!

All sarcasm aside, this whole situation is demoralizing, and perhaps the most frustrating part is that an entirely preventable work stoppage is going to get dragged out for a needlessly long length of time. The guilds striking have made it clear that they do not plan to budge an inch, and it’s only a matter of time before the studios start realizing how badly they need to reach a deal and shitting their pants. The demands the writers and actors have listed are more than fair, and anybody who thinks they aren’t deserves to be locked in a cage and prodded at with sticks. Ron Perlman, you have the opportunity to do the funniest thing of all time.